My St. Augustine Record column from December 5, 2015, reprinted below:
I have a pair of geriatric dachshunds who have managed to cram quite a bit of excitement into their brief lives.
For starters, Laverne and Shirley are on the vicious animals list in Henry County, Ga., for biting a tax assessor several years ago. During their wild and untamed youth, they pillaged and plundered every package ever delivered to my house. I pulled into our driveway one day to find them playing tug-of-war with a wine-colored cashmere sweater I’d ordered from Talbot’s. Once, they consumed a mail-order package of sweet potato pancake mix. We found them lying in the yard, bloated and inert.
Laverne and Shirley have slowed down in the past couple of years. These days, they get their excitement from chasing lizards. They mostly perch on the back of my sofa to monitor movement outside the house – the UPS truck driving by, perhaps, or a leaf blowing across the pool deck. On some mornings, they feel obliged to let me know when the pool pump turns on and the water begins to move.
They’ve also started engaging in a curious new habit. Laverne and Shirley like to lick the air.
The first time I saw them with their noses pointed toward the ceiling, their tongues flicking, licking nothing, it reminded me of a joke often told by Lewis Grizzard, the late Southern humorist. His version was slightly off-color, so I can’t tell it just like Grizzard told it, but the joke involves two good ol’ boys, Bubba and Earl, watching a dog doing a bit of inappropriate licking.
Bubba elbows Earl and says, “I wish I could do that.”
Earl responds, “Bubba, that dog would bite ‘chu!”
Laverne and Shirley’s air licking was funny for a few days, but when it became apparent that they weren’t going to stop, I got worried.
I Googled “dachshunds licking air,” and found out it’s something many dachshunds do. People have posted YouTube videos of the spectacle.
Someone even created a forum for people to speculate on why dachshunds lick the air. One person likened the behavior to that of a snake, with the tongue performing a sort of extra-sensory smelling. Another suggested that it could be a sign of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Someone else surmised that licking the air is a sign of anxiety.
Worried that my dogs are, well, worried, I began searching for ways to make Laverne and Shirley’s lives less traumatic.
I started by trying to identify potential stressors. What, I asked myself, would make me nervous if I were an elderly dachshund?
That question was hard to answer. For starters, Laverne and Shirley live at the beach. They have no mortgage. They have a housekeeper, a chef and a chauffeur.
They have free health care, job security and an enviable retirement plan. They’re practically federal employees.
I finally consulted the ultimate authority — Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer. He said that licking the air is a sign of boredom in dogs.
Apparently, what we need is a visit from the St. Johns County tax assessor.
At any rate, I no longer worry about my dachshunds. It seems they’re going to keep ticking right along. When being bored and nervous about nothing causes them to inappropriately lick the air, I’ll just watch. And wish I could do that.
This column appeared in The St. Augustine Record November 16, 2014. I’m reprinting it here for those who might have missed it:
Last week, Adrian Peterson, the Minnesota Viking who was facing child abuse charges, accepted a plea deal that keeps him out of jail. The case has kindled a huge debate over spanking.
I’ve thought about it a lot lately, and I can’t say how I’d discipline if I had my children to raise over again.
I can’t imagine hurting a child, yet I don’t quite buy the modern notion of our offspring as demigods for whom a rational discussion will suffice in lieu of discipline.
I’m not even sure where that idea originated. As a mom, I found toddlers to be irrational and unreasonable. In fact, I think terrorists learn their negotiating tactics from 3-year-olds.
Referring to the Peterson case, Mel Robbins, a commentator and legal analyst for CNN, advocated “education, mentoring and conflict-resolution training” as the most effective methods for developing positive behaviors in children.
This woman must not be from the South. Every good Southern mama knows that choosing your own hickory switch effectively changes behavior. Those slow steps through the yard provide adequate time to contemplate a misdeed. Sometimes, picking the switch is punishment enough.
Robbins calls all spanking child abuse. I can’t quite share that sentiment. For one thing, by that definition, I should be locked up next to Adrian Peterson. My mom would be serving 20 to life.
My parents were strict. Complaining about what Mom cooked would earn a warning from Dad like, “You’ll eat those eggs, or I’ll crisp your bacon.” When I was a kid, Mom kept a penal code posted on the refrigerator. Next to each misdeed listed was the predetermined punishment for that particular crime. Since there were no hickory trees in our yard, Mom used a rubber spatula.
The best I can remember, fighting with my brother or sister warranted 10 licks. Talking back to Mom meant swallowing a spoonful of vinegar. The catch-all crime was the haughty spirit, worth a whopping 20 licks.
While I can’t say how I would approach discipline if I had young children now, I’m pretty certain what Mom would do. There are clues in the way her cantankerous Chihuahua, Bambi, behaves.
A couple of weeks ago, while my parents were gone for the evening, I stopped by their house to walk Bambi.
When I tried to put her collar around her neck, the dog bared her teeth and snapped at me. She scooted under the dining room table. Every time I even looked at her, she snarled. It looked to me like a haughty spirit.
I tattled on Bambi the next day. But Mom just laughed. Then I listened in amazement as she said the key to dealing with Bambi is speaking gently while putting on her collar. The woman who could have written a manifesto on spanking was telling me I should have tried reasoning with a Chihuahua.
There are no hickories in Mom’s yard, only palm trees. She doesn’t need them. She can wave a palm branch at her little demigod doggie six ways to Sunday, knowing that the children she raised turned into decent human beings who are, at times, even reasonable.
This column appeared in the October 5, 2014 edition of The St. Augustine Record. I’m reprinting it here for those who are unable to access it on the paper’s site. I apologize for the inconvenience, and, as always, thanks for reading!
I turned down a marriage proposal last week. Some of the people in my life think it a foolish choice. It was, after all, the first proposal I’d received in over two decades.
I was in Atlanta staying with a friend from my old neighborhood, a nice country club community in the suburbs that is home to several Atlanta-based rappers. I was out for a walk one morning when a very expensive Mercedes-Benz passed me. Its driver waved, and I waved back.
The car stopped. The driver’s window rolled down, and a man stuck his head out. He yelled something, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying.
I pulled my ear buds out of my ears. “What?”
“ARE YOU MARRIED?”
“Yes. I’m sorry.”
He smiled, shrugged and said, “I would have married you myself.” Then he rolled up his window and drove away.
When I told my kids the story, their responses were not what I expected. I described the young man, and they told me that he is a famous rapper. Then they chided me for squandering a chance to be the next Atlanta “Housewife.”
“Why did you lie to him?” my son even asked. “I heard he’s a nice guy.”
“I’m sure he is, but I don’t want to move back to Atlanta,” I shot back. But that wasn’t the real reason I turned him down.
Although I can’t say his rapper name with a straight face, the greater problem is the fact that this man is in his 20s. I know there are happily married couples with bigger age differences, but I think that being born 20 years apart means we come from different worlds. What could we possibly have in common?
Certainly not music. I can’t understand most rap lyrics. “Bam bam, jam jam, so tan can do a handstand” makes no sense to me. But I knew what the Oak Ridge Boys meant when they sang “Giddy Up, Oom Poppa Oom Poppa Mow Mow/High-ho Silver, away.”
Rappers are a little too ostentatious for my taste. Yes, Elvis had his Jungle Room, but he never had a giant picture of himself painted on the side of his tour bus.
Today’s rappers are fond of collaborations, which is a big word for “duets.” These duets will never match the greatness of Julio and Willie’s “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before” or even Johnny Carson’s spoof of that duet. Carson. Now, that was great television.
Today, we have reality television. The rapper is part of a reality show called “Love and Hip Hop Atlanta.” If reality television is people dressing in ridiculous costumes and doing bizarre things for money, I suppose “The Price is Right” and “Let’s Make a Deal” were my generation’s versions of it. But those shows just seemed better.
I’ll admit things might not have changed as much as I think they have. Still, what would I have to talk about with a man who wasn’t even born when Elvis died?
Although my sentimentality about the past could mean I’m throwing away my future, I can’t marry the rapper. I’d rather hold out for what Carol Merrill has behind door number three, Monty. I hope it’s not a canned ham and a ferret.
This is why I’m contesting my grandmother’s will:
I’m really hoping it’s Willie Nelson behind door number 3:
My dad and my dog:
My latest column for The St. Augustine Record:
I am thrilled to announce that I am a new regular contributor to The St. Augustine Record, the local paper in the nation’s oldest city, St. Augustine, Florida, and also the town I am grateful to call home. It has been my dream to be a newspaper columnist since I discovered Lewis Grizzard, the legendary humorist and syndicated columnist for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, when I was in the 9th grade.
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