A Pain (or Two) in the Neck
Recently, a neighbor took the time to walk across the street and ring my doorbell to inform me that he is unable to sit on his front porch in the afternoon and enjoy a glass of wine because my dachshunds, Laverne and Shirley, bark too much.
Seriously? At the time you came knocking, neighbor, it was cold enough to freeze the balls off the monkey statue next to my pool. You were really sitting on your front porch with a glass of wine?
The only other time we talked, you were putting your garbage in my yard so that the truck would get it on the “return trip” down our street. I’ve got news for you, Freezer Nuts: in this neighborhood, the garbage men do not go both ways. It makes me wonder if the wheels haven’t come off your can.
But being the good neighbor that I am, I have already contacted the Invisible Fence people about purchasing bark collars for my dogs. The reason I haven’t done it sooner is that they already wear the Invisible Fence collars to keep them in the yard, and I didn’t want them to be confused about why they were getting zapped in the neck.
It’s too bad Puppy Tweets aren’t available yet.
What are Puppy Tweets? Mattel is getting ready to roll out a product that allows dogs to use Twitter. The special collar is pre-loaded with 500 phrases, and every time the dog moves or barks, the owner receives a new Tweet.
Some of the pre-programmed, generic messages an owner could receive via text are
*I bark because I miss you. There I said it. Now hurry home.
*It’s not the catching of the tail. It’s the chase.
*Can we get some sparkling water for the toilet bowl?
Kind of boring, right? If we had Puppy Tweets, these are the kind of messages I would get from my dachshunds:
*I bit the UPS guy. Animal control has been called.
*When am I off quarantine for biting the tax assessor?
*Get us a new bed on your way home. We were bored today and ate it.
*You forgot to feed us so we ate all the pansies in the pots.
*It’s 27 degrees outside and Chilled Melon Balls is on his porch.
My dachshunds already have their regular collars (necessary for displaying the rabies tags in case they bite) and their Invisible Fence boundary collars. If I add a bark collar and a Tweet collar, they’re going to look like the Burmese Pai Dong Long Neck People, the ones known for stretching their women’s necks with brass rings.
So the doggies and I have come up with a solution. We’ll forego the bark collars and wait for Puppy Tweets, provided they promise to only bark when it’s REALLY important for them to send me a message. Acceptable TWEETS are as follows:
*Laverne is trying to eat from the cat’s litter box again.
*UPS guy is here. You have a package! If you want, we’ll open it for you.
*The cat told me she is going to kill you in your sleep tonight. Get rid of the cat.
*We opened the package. It’s sweet potato pancake mix. We ate it. Now we’re bloated and we can’t get up.
*Your kids are throwing a party. They’re giving us beer to buy our silence. You’d better come quick.
*The dumbass across the street is putting his garbage in our yard again.
Come to think of it, those are pretty much the only things they bark about anyway. And let’s be fair — their brains are the size of an Everlasting Gobstopper, and dogs have been barking for centuries.
They, at least, know that garbage trucks don’t go both ways down the same street.