My friend, a girl we’ll call Jackie, just finalized a divorce from a man named Axel, affectionately known as “Ax-hole.”  The marriage was a disaster from day one, with day one being the day they spontaneously decided to get married, only four months after meeting on Match.com.

You read correctly.  Apparently, people do actually get married after meeting on Match.  I asked Jackie one time how many matches she had to kiss before finding Prince Axhole.

“Oh, hundreds,” was her answer.  And then she said, “You should get on Match.  Even if you don’t end up getting married, you get free dinners.  After all, a girl’s gotta eat.”

I went home that night, and being the non-fiction writer that I am, tried my hand at writing a Match.com profile.

Here’s what I came up with:

“Single, divorced mother of three teenagers and five pets, including a crazy Bengal cat and four dysfunctional dogs – a blind dachshund, a three-legged Australian Shepherd, a dachshund with hypothyroidism (symptoms include weight gain, fatigue, and depression), and a neurotic 8-pound dachshund suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder seeks man who can put up with that shit.

I’m a writer attempting to establish a career after spending 20 years as a stay-at-home-mom of said teenagers.

I’m 5’4” and 130 pounds, with gusts up to 140, especially after spending the night with Papa John and Sara Lee.  On the bright side, I’m 5’7” in my platform flip-flops.   When I wake up, I look like a cross between Chewbacca and Cousin Itt. Fortunately, Lasik corrected the legal blindness and freed me from the Pellegrino-bottle glasses.

And speaking of Pellegrino, I love it.  Other things I’m addicted to I love include, in no particular order, beer, tennis, basketball, Dave Barry, Rick Reilly, and eating pizza off the back of a Vespa in Naples, Italy.

Interested?  Can’t imagine why not.”

Anyone want to guess how many Axholes responded to THAT profile?