Mammaries (of the Way We Were)

Magazine’s “Are You Mom Enough?” cover model, the California girl exposing her breast, purportedly did the shoot to enlighten the rest of us on the benefits of breastfeeding.

Bullshit.  No one except baby formula manufacturers and their lobbyists disputes the fact that breastfeeding is better for babies.  I think the girl found a way to be famous for a few days and jumped at the opportunity.  (Never mind that her poor kid will probably need to be in a witness protection program just to survive middle school).  But let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and go with the premise that she simply wants everyone to accept as normal  the idea of breastfeeding a kid until he’s old enough not to need a step stool to reach her breast.

Here’s the problem I have with extended breastfeeding or extreme parenting or whatever you want to call it:  it’s not really about nourishment.

Think about it.  The kid on the cover of that magazine probably weighs 80 pounds.  He’s not getting all of his nourishment from that tiny tittie.  So it’s not about nourishment.  It’s about comfort.  Probably for both him and his mom.

Don’t believe me?  Dr. Bill Sears, the pediatrician Time cites as the guru for extended breastfeeders, says in an article for that breastfeeding is useful for staving off an impending toddler tantrum.  And the mom bloggers who believe in breastfeeding until a child weans him- or herself gush about how the breast can calm an angry kid.

One extended breastfeeding mom said it best:  “I’m his warm, safe place.”  Congratulations, lady.  You’re teaching your son that every disappointment in life can be solved by a nice long pull on your tittie.  And you’re setting yourself up to keep that job forever.   I feel sorry for the woman your nursling eventually marries.

Have you noticed that there are a lot of grown men who are still sucking mom’s tittie?  Here’s the cycle:  nothing is good enough for them – not even their wife’s lovely breasts.   And since mom taught them that women exist to make them feel better, they’re compelled to keep searching for what they think they deserve.  Furthermore, because they never had to work for anything (good looks and that superb throwing arm were always enough), when they’re caught cheating, they end up back in mom’s house, living off her while she pays the legal fees incurred during attempts to reduce their child support payments.  Mom, for her part, believes that no one is good enough for “precious” because she’s the author of that crap.  And she’s secretly thrilled that her baby still needs her.

Happy Mother’s Day to the truly great moms out there, the ones dedicated to raising self-sufficient adults.   And to you gals who think motherhood is about letting a kid suck your boob forever, please stop trying to convince us that it’s “natural.”  It’s not.  Watch the lions, tigers, bears, and your own dog.  What’s natural is to give birth and quickly start teaching your offspring how to survive.  Good moms are all about working themselves out of a job.

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